Manning/Dunn Hyde County NC Genealogy

East Carolina Genealogy and more!

...what a waste of band width...BUT FUNNY!

"We must reject the idea that every time a law is broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions." --Ronald Reagan

"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen." Samuel Adams 
 

“Free bungee jumping for members of Congress; no strings attached”

Would the boy you were be proud of the man you are? -Laurence J. Peter, (1919-1990)

A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government - Thomas Jefferson 
 

Thomas Jefferson, asked in 1781, “Can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are a gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with his wrath?” (Notes on Virginia, 1781, Query XVIII.)

'The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.'  - Will Rogers

"I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents" ~ James Madison

The problem with Socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other peoples money - Margaret Thatcher

"When you subsidize poverty and failure, you get more of both." - James Dale Davidson, National Taxpayers Union

"The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates." – Tacitus

"A Liberal is a person who will give away everything he doesn't own." - Unknown

A strong body makes the mind strong. As to the species of exercises, I advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind. Games played with the ball, and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be your constant companion of your walks - Thomas Jefferson

The short speech below was delivered by Winston Churchill in 1899 when he was a young soldier and journalist.  It may set out the current views of many today, but is expressed in the wonderful Churchillian turn of phrase and use of the English language, of which he was a past master.  Sir Winston Churchill was one of the greatest men of the late 19th and 20th centuries.  He was a brave young soldier, a brilliant journalist, an extraordinary politician and statesman, a great war leader and Prime Minister, to whom the Western world is forever in his debt.  He was a prophet in his own time.


"How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries!  Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy.  The effects are apparent in many countries, improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live.  A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement, the next of its dignity and sanctity.  The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property, either as a child, a wife, or a concubine, must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men.  Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities, but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it.  No stronger retrograde force exists in the world.  Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith.  It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the science against which it had vainly struggled, the civilization of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilization of ancient Rome."
Sir Winston Churchill; (The River War, first edition, Vol.  II, pages 248-50 London )

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the  gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -  Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time  reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -  Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill    

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."  - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."  - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."  - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae  West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." -  Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs......



" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'



-  
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
 
- Eleanor Roosevelt


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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
 

- Mark Twain


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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible


- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.


- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.


- Mark Twain


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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


- Socrates


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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


- Groucho Marx


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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.


- Jimmy Durante


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I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.


- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.


- Alex Levine


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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.


- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery


- Spike Milligan


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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .


- Joe Namath


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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.


- Bob Hope


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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..


- W. C. Fields


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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
 

- Will Rogers


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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
 As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill


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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..


- Phyllis Diller


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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.


- Billy Crystal


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And the cardiologist' s diet: -  
If it tastes good spit it out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Who Knew??? 

1.  Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

2.  Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals.  Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

3.  Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.  And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

4.  Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5.  Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6.  Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

7.  Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage 'in the limelight' were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

8.  Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' and is pronounced 'mayday.'

9.  Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

10.  Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In  France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called  'l'oeuf,'  which is French for 'egg.'  When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it 'love.'

11.  Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.  In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.'
 

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME ...WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5.. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka...one part lime.

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,

The Chefs are Italian,

The Mechanics are German,

The Lovers are French

It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German,

The Chefs are British,

The Mechanics are French,

The Lovers are Swiss

It's all organized by the Italians.                                    

Quotes from Gridiron Legends

Quotes from past gridiron legends have added to football's lore and should be passed on to today's youth to increase their wisdom.

#1.  'Football is only a game.  Spiritual things are eternal.  Nevertheless, Beat Texas '  Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to th e 1969 game.

#2.  'After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.'  Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#3.  'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.'  Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#4.  'When you win, nothing hurts.'  Joe Namath / Alabama      

#5.  'Motivation is simple.  You eliminate those who are not motivated.'  Lou Holtz / Arkansas      

#6.  'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, 'Roll, tide, roll!'  Bear Bryant / Alabama  

#7.  'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.'  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame    

#8.  'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' Woody Hayes / Ohio State   

#9.  'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation.  I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.'  Bob Devaney / Nebraska    

#10.  'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.'  Wally Butts / Georgia      

#11.  'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.'  Paul Dietzel / LSU      

#12.  'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.'  Bear Bryant / Alabama      

#13.  When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.  'No, but you can see it from here.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas .      

#14.  'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want hi m to quit in practice, not in a game.'  Bear Bryant / Alabama      

#15.  'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.'  Matty Bell / SMU      

#16.  'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.'   Frank Leahy / Notre Dame      

#17.  'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.'  Alex Karras / Iowa      

#18.  'My advice to defensive players:  Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee      

#19.  'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State    

#20.  'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' Shug Jordan / Auburn      

#21.  'They cut us up like boarding house pie.  And that's real small pieces.'  Darrell Royal / Texas      

#22.  'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.'  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame      

#23.  'They whipped us like a tied up goat.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech      

#24.  'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said:  'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State      

#25.  'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.'  Bobby Bowden / Florida State      

#26.  'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport.  Dancing is a contact sport.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State       

#27.  After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:  'All those who need showers, take them.' John McKay / USC      

#28.  'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.'  Murray Warmath / Minnesota      

#29.  'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.  To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame      

#30.  'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.'  Spike Dykes / Texas Tech      

#31.  'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle.  You can hear it.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame      

#32.  'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.'Darrell Royal / Texas      

#33.  'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.'  ; Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School      

#34.  'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad. Darrell Royal / University of Texas      

#35.  'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame      

#36.  'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.' John Heisman  , Georgia Tech     

Historical - Political Quotes

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of  socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have -- Thomas Jefferson

25. The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people's money. -- Margaret Thatcher

26. "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents" ~ James Madison

27. Uh Oh -- General Custer

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS 
 

Smart man + smart woman = romance 

Smart man + dumb woman = affair 

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage 

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy 

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SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. 

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man... 
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HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 

______________________________
 
 


LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die... 

______________________________ 
 


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. 

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument. 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE

FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 
 

I dialed a number and got the following recording: 

'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call. 
I am making some changes in my life. 
Please leave a message after the Beep.

If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes.' 
~~~~~
 

Aspire to inspire before you expire. 
~~~~~

My wife and I had words, 
But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~
 

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. 
~~~~~


Blessed are those who can give without remembering 
And take without forgetting..

~~~~~ 

The irony of life is that, by the time 
You're old enough to know your way 
Around, you're not going anywhere. 
~~~~~
 

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think 
Of an answer for her first question. 

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, 
But it keeps getting harder to find one. 
~~~~~
 

Every morning is the dawn 

of a new error. 
~~~~~ 

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: 

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

~~~~~

A TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES A CHURCH....

 In a small Texas town (Mt. Vernon), Drummond's bar began construction on

 new building to increase their business.. The local Baptist church started a

 campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work

 progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the

 bar and it burned to the ground.

 

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar

 owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately

 responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or

 indirect actions or means.

 

 The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the

 building's demise in its reply to the court.

 

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At

the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as

it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the

power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not!

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish.
*He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. 
*There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" 
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that certainly be true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

If 4 out of 5 people  SUFFER  from diarrhea.... does that mean that one out of five  enjoys  it? 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 

 If people from  Poland  are called Poles,  then why aren't people from  Holland  called Holes?    

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?   

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.     Toothpicks? 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? 

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice....When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells...................... 'THEIRS'?  

"Socialism only works in two places : Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it." -Ronald Reagan

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War : We win, they lose.'
 
- Ronald Reagan


'The most terrifying words in the English language are : I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
-Ronald Reagan


'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'
 
-Ronald Reagan


'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the  U.S. was too strong.'
- Ronald Reagan


'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'
 -Ronald Reagan


'The taxpayer : That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'
- Ronald Reagan


'Government is like a baby : An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'
- Ronald Reagan



'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'
 - Ronald Reagan


'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'
- Ronald Reagan


'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases : If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it'
 
- Ronald Reagan


'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
- Ronald Reagan


'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
- Ronald Reagan


'If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under.'
-Ronald Reagan

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court Reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________
                         
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
_________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ ______ ___
                         
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
                         
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
                         
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 


Puns for Educated  Minds

     
1.  The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir  Cumference.   He acquired his size from too much  pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,  but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was  only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber  band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math  disruption.

5.. The butcher backed into the meat grinder  and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much  you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog  gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for  littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France  would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had  a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an  arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been  found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into  it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet  organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in  the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a  head..'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting  bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug  rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy  swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother  telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change  yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in  motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from  prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who  survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned  veteran.

21. A backward poet writes  inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In  feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals  ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24.. Don't  join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

 

 

 How God created VIRGINIA -


God was missing for six days.  On the seventh day, Michael, the archangel, found him - resting. He inquired, "Where have you  been?"  God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.  "Look, Michael.. Look what I've  made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is  it?"  "It's a planet" replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."  "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm confused."  God explained, pointing to different parts of  Earth.  "For example, he said, northern Europe will be a place of great  opportunity and wealth,  while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things."

God  continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered  in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then  pointed to a land area and asked, "What's that one?"  "That's VIRGINIA, the most  glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, ocean, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from VIRGINIA are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and  they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But  what  about balance, God?

You said there would be  balance...."

God smiled, "Right next to VIRGINIA is Washington, DC.  Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
 

Brilliant Law Student....

A  young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer.

So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" 

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."